The First Letter of Peter- 13

Subtitle: Our Witness before the World- Part 5

1 Peter 3:7. This sermon was preached by Pastor Marty Bonner on Sunday, February 15, 2026.

We continue in this section that focuses on the way that a Christian should use their relationships to demonstrate the love and wisdom of Jesus to the world around them.

There is a greater concern here in that we are also desiring to be pleasing in God’s sight.  He is currently offering terms of peace to this world.  As we cooperate with this purpose, we can rest in the assurance that God will help us and reward us.

Today, we will wrap up the specific relationships that Peter has been addressing by looking at husbands.

Let’s look at our verse.

Husbands should live with their wives in understanding (v. 7)

In all of our relationships, it is our natural tendency to worry about what the other person is or isn’t doing.  We can be overly concerned with God’s Word to them, yet, overlooking His Word to us.

Peter begins this command to husbands with the phrase, “in the same way.”  This is exactly what he did with his instruction to wives in verses 1-6.  Again, this phrase is pointing husbands back to the example of Jesus written about in 1 Peter 2:21-25.  In the same way that Jesus sacrificed his rights in order to serve God the Father and humanity, so a husband needs to choose to serve God the Father and their wife.  Jesus needs to be their example and help in this.

Peter’s main imperative is for husbands to live with their wives in understanding.  The word translated as “live with” is a special word that highlights the cohabiting nature of the marital relationship.  They are not just doing life together.  They dwell in a home together, and that home becomes an extension of their relationship.  This life and home that a husband is making with his wife needs to be done with understanding.

Before we delve further into that, I will say that a husband and wife can seem to be one thing in public but be something quite different at home.  What goes on in the home, in private, is important to God, and so it should be important to me.

So, what does it mean for a husband to understand his wife?  Part of it is understanding her situation in general as a woman.  Genesis 1-2

 describes the intent of God for marriage.  A man and a woman are intended to become one before God.  That unity is also intended to image God.  Paul describes this specifically as being a picture of the relationship between Christ and His Church. 

A husband also needs to gain the understanding of what his wife has been through particularly.  What has she experienced both bad and good?  How can I care for her as if she were a part of my own body?

That last question may seem strange, but it is the perspective the Apostle Paul calls husbands to have in Ephesians 5:8. “So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.”

It is common in our culture to sacrifice marital relationships to get something we want.  We end up undermining the relationship in a multitude of ways.  This is why Paul refers to a wife as being a part of her husband.  This connects back to the oneness of Genesis 1-2.  He is challenging husbands in this area.

Our culture has many pressures upon marriages.  Many decry marriage as the problem because it “goes against our human nature,” “monogamy is unnatural.”  They even project that there would be no guilt in relationships (a kind of sexual Utopia) if we could just drop this Christian notion.  Of course, I wouldn’t hold my breath for any proof that lack of commitment rids people of guilt and creates something good in this area.

Paul’s challenge to a husband is this.  To abuse your wife is to abuse yourself.  To reject this wisdom is to reject the wisdom of Christ.  Thus, a Christian husband really has no choice if he wants to remain a follower of Christ.  Live with your wife with even the understanding of how God has connected her to you.  Of course, we should have a nobler purpose in taking good care of our spouse than caring for ourselves.  We need to do it because it is right, and it is what Jesus wants us to do.

God’s purpose in marriage is not the problem.  It is not restricting us.  It is our own sin that is the problem.

Peter uses the phrase “as with someone weaker.”  In another version, it refers to her as “a weaker vessel.”  The body as a vessel for our spirits is a metaphor that was quite common in those days.  Paul uses it in 1 Thessalonians 4:3-4.  “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion…”

A woman listening to this might be offended at being called a weaker vessel, but it is not exactly spelled out in which ways she is weaker.  The obvious place to start is to recognize that women in general are physically weaker than men.  However, I don’t think this is the only thing Peter is referencing.  The physical weakness of women has been a source of much pain for them.  Husbands need to understand how this physical weakness has shaped the psyche of wives, the way they think, and the desires they have.

Of course, weakness does not necessarily have a negative connotation.  In 1 Corinthians 12:22, Paul mentions that “those members of the body which seem to be weaker are necessary.”  His use of “seem” implies that things may look to us as weak in one sense, but their weakness makes them strong for the necessary purpose they have.  An example in life would be fine China.  China is not used for everyday dining especially with children.  It is not physically capable of being used all the time without being chipped.  Yet its weakness for everyday wear is a part of its honorable usage at special events.

Peter likely also has in mind the weaker social position that women had.  I’ve mentioned before that a woman generally did not have the right of divorcing her husband for any reason.  There was a huge disparity in the area of unfaithfulness.  If a woman was caught in an adulterous affair, the husband could have her executed.  However, if a man was caught in an adulterous affair, there was little a woman could do about it.

A husband’s understanding of his wife needs to incorporate these things.  Her weakness physically (or even socially) does not say anything about her value.  What is a wife’s value?  Is it in how much money she can bring to the home?  Is it in how many sons she can birth?  Is her value in what she can do to satisfy her husband’s desires?

A wife’s value begins with the design and intention of God.  She was made by God to unite with her husband and help him.  This help is not necessarily in the ways the man would dictate.  Rather, it is in the ways that the wisdom of God has discerned that husbands need.

A wife forces a young husband to face the issues of growing up.  It challenges a young man to see strength in that which may look weak to him.  It challenges him to learn to unify with someone who thinks differently than him.  It challenges him to come out of himself and choose to be intimate with another person in every way.

Will marriage fix the world?  No.  It can only challenge the world in the ways that God knows we need challenged.

All of this is to say that a wife has value before she does a single thing.  Part of living with one’s wife with understanding is valuing her as God does.  A good husband will not just patronize his wife but rather understand her total situation with grace and understanding as he builds a home with her.

A husband cannot change the culture surrounding him and his wife, but he can change the culture inside the home.

This leads well into the next point.  Peter calls husbands honor their wives as fellow heirs of the grace of life.  This clearly means to honor, or to value, them highly.  Your wife is a fellow heir (a joint-heir or co-heir).  Peter does not explain this fully.  We know that wives have an inheritance in God’s Church just as much as husbands.  Peter may be speaking of this in these general terms.  However, he may even see a further connection between a particular husband and his wife with what they will inherit both in this life and in the life to come.

Regardless, the challenge for husbands is to recognize that their future inheritance is impacted by how they treat their wives.

He says that they are heirs of the “grace of life.”  We can be too quick to jump to the understanding of this as eternal life, something that is in the future.  Yet Scripture tells us that God’s eternal life is even now pouring into the life of every Christian.  We can experience a kind of down payment on the grace of God.  The reality of our future inheritance ought to be affecting our present attitudes in marriage.

Finally, Peter challenges husbands that their relationship with their wife can affect their relationship with God.  Prayer is the mainstay of our relationship with God.  A man may be very religious in many ways.  However, failure in this area can hinder his prayers.  It doesn’t matter what people think about your marriage.  It matters what God thinks.

This reminds me of the instructions of Jesus regarding forgiveness in Matthew 5:24. If you go to sacrifice at the altar of God and remember that your brother has something against you, you should leave your gift at the altar and go your way.  First be reconciled to your brother and then come and offer your gift.  If we have been abusing people in our relationships, or they at least believe they have been sinned against, we should not approach God in prayer without first dealing with it.  Of course, we can pray for wisdom in talking with them, asking forgiveness.  I believe this is what Peter is describing here.  If you are ignoring the plight and suffering of your wife, don’t expect God to be answering your prayers except for the prayer of repentance.

It is the things we do in private that make the public things of any value.  May God help us to see that He is not looking at the public personae we project.  He sees our private lives, our home life.  He sees the heart of our spouse and challenges us to live with them in understanding.

Witness 5 audio

The First Letter of Peter- 12

Subtitle: Our Witness before the World- Part 4

1 Peter 3:1-6.  This sermon was preached by Pastor Marty Bonner on Sunday, February 8, 2026.

Today, we will once again visit this area of husband-and-wife relationships.  We dealt with this when we were going through the letter to the Colossians (See Weekly Word October 12, 2025).  There Paul told women to submit to their own husbands.

We talked then about two very different approaches to passages like this: Complementarian and Egalitarian.  Essentially, we are asking what God’s original intention was in the Garden of Eden.  Was God setting up a hierarchal union or a horizontal union of two people?  A picturesque way to think about it is to use the idea of a team.  Is Eve given to Team Adam so that he would have a better chance of winning (“Go, Adam, Go!”).  Or is God asking Adam and Eve to unite in one purpose for the sake of Team Husband and Wife?  If you think the hierarchy is baked into God’s design, then you will be complementarian.  If you think it is a result of the fall, then you will be egalitarian.

Throughout history, women have found themselves in cultures that had a varying degree of respect for them from much to little.  Yet, wives, just like all believers, need to let Jesus be the Lord and focus of their relationships.

We are going to deal with men next week so hang in there, ladies, and hold your peace, men.  Let’s look at our passage.

Wives should submit themselves to their husbands (v. 1-2)

Some translations will say “be submissive,” but I don’t think this is as good as “submit yourself.”  God is asking women to choose something for themselves called submission.  The culture of that day had the husband as the ruler of his home.  Depending upon the husband, a woman could chafe severely under this expectation or be happy to do so because he was a wonderful husband.  We do have some differences between Roman and Jewish culture, but both of them saw the man as the head of the home.

Peter’s emphasis is on the way a wife can be a witness for Jesus.  This is why he follows up this challenge for women with a phrase of purpose, “so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives.”

Not all Christian women had believing husbands.  Peter asks her to submit herself to her husband in order to win him over to Christ.  He speaks of these men as being “disobedient to the word.”  This is talking about the Scriptures, but more specifically, the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  Paul states it this way in Acts 17:30-31.  “Truly, these times of ignorance God overlooked, but now commands all men everywhere to repent, “because He has appointed a day on which He will judge the world in righteousness by the Man whom He has ordained.  He has given assurance of this to all by raising Him from the dead.”

If your husband is a believer, then this whole area will take on a completely different complexion.  This is not an adversarial thing where we are fighting for dominance, but a mutual submission for the sake of modeling the relationship between Christ and the Church.  We should work together to glorify Jesus to a lost world.

However, sometimes that lost person is your spouse.  It is somewhat idyllic to think of laying your desires down in order to save another person, especially your spouse.  However, what if he never believes in Jesus?  Can I do it for God in order to glorify Jesus?  Is He worth it?

Peter speaks of the “behavior” of wives.  This conduct or behavior of submission is like the conduct of Jesus.  Notice that the verse opens with the phrase, “in the same way.”  This is referring to the section right before this passage that describes the example of Jesus laying himself down in order to save us!  Peter had given this as an example to household slaves, but he is now pointing wives back to that same example.  These slaves could be suffering under oppressive masters, just as some of these women could be suffering under oppressive husbands.

This may seem unfair and even evil to some.  However, there is nothing evil in choosing to follow Jesus Christ who sacrificed all that he could be in his mortal life in order to save us (while we were yet sinners even).

Wives need to look to Jesus as an example and as a source of strength particularly in situations where the husband is not reasonable. 

Peter gives two words describing this behavior.  “Chaste” is a word that is similar to holy.  It emphasizes purity.  Her life is not defiled with ulterior motives, ill intentions, and selfishness.  Rather, she is trying to serve God.

He also describes this good behavior as “with respect.”  An unreasonable husband who does not want to believe in Jesus may not be worthy of respect.  However, we can still respect the purpose of God in trying to turn his heart away from sin and towards the Lord Jesus.

Let me just give a caution.  God does not intend for women to be physically abused or even killed.  Peter is not talking about physical abuse.  In those days, there would be very little that a woman could do about physical abuse because the society around marriages gave little power to her.  Two thousand years ago a woman could not divorce a man.  If she was caught having an adulterous affair, he could have her killed.  On the other hand, if she caught him having an adulterous affair, there was little that she could do.  Yes, she could make his life miserable, but then that would make her life even more miserable.

In this unfair situation, God is asking wives to serve His greater purpose in the same way that Jesus did.  Women can only do this by entrusting themselves to the One who judges righteously!  God will make all our sacrifices worth it in the end!

Wives should adorn themselves with virtue (v. 3-4)

In verse three, Peter speaks about how a wife adorns herself.  She needs to adorn herself with virtue more than the external things that an ungodly world uses.  Peter lists three areas that were common for those days.  Though they come across as complete prohibitions, it is clear from other passages (see 1 Timothy 2:9) that this is not a prohibition but a call to modesty and proper focus on your internal spirit. 

Paul in 1 Timothy 2:9 speaks of adorning with “proper clothing, modestly and discreetly…”  The problem of objectifying oneself is often a self-preservation mechanism.  It is the one area in which women have power over men (to some degree).  Yet, this is the world’s answer, not God’s.

It was common for the upper-class women to copy the hairstyles of the nobles, seeking out extremely costly garments with costly jewelry.  Clothing could overtly accentuate sexual features.

This hasn’t changed all that much today.  Definitely the styles have changed, but the dynamics have not.  Sometimes we can be dressing as a means of elevating ourselves above other women in the group or community.  There can be class distinctions that purposefully keep poorer women in their place.  We should avoid outward adornments that focus on making ourselves the envy of others.

Of course, there are times when a woman can be dressing to feel powerful over men who seem to be unable to keep themselves from slobbering over a seductive woman.  The line of what is too sexy for public changes with the times.  However, the art of stepping over that line just enough to excite others but not be looked down upon has been practiced in every age.

Peter calls for wives not to focus on complex hair braids, gold jewelry and dress (expensive/seductive).  Instead, they should let it be the internal imperishable things. 

It has been said that beauty is only skin deep.  However, Peter is calling for wives to be beautiful all the way to the core of their hearts (“the hidden person of the heart”).  No one knows what is exactly in your heart, but our speech and actions demonstrate what is on the inside to some degree,

What is my inner life like?  Am I focused on being like Christ, or am I focused on me?

Peter particularly emphasizes two virtues: gentle (meek) and a quiet spirit.

Gentleness is the sense of strength under control.  It is not about being weak but being controlled. 

A quiet spirit is the idea of a person who is peaceful inside.  This person is not a raging sea of anger, ambition, and strong desires.  It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t say what you think.  It is talking about the peace that comes from the Holy Spirit dwelling within you and knowing that God is pleased with the way you are choosing to serve Him.

This kind of adornment is imperishable because it never grows old (the beautiful spend a lot of money trying to stay beautiful), and it never goes out of style.  This contrasts with the constant changing of trying to keep up with current fashion trends.  Instead, let Christ in you be your beauty.

The example of holy women in the past (v.5-6)

Peter then reminds wives of the godly women in the Old Testament who “hoped in God,” as opposed to their husbands or the things of life.  Their hopes were not in things, “I must have this or that!”  Their hopes were not in their husbands, “He must be this or that!”  Instead, they were looking to God to be their help in the present and reward in the future.

Peter describes them as doing what he has been saying, submitting to their husbands.  He then turns to Sarah and Abraham as his example.

Did Sarah and Abraham ever have any friction in their marriage?  Yes, they did.  Yet she is being used as an example of submitting herself.    This ought to make it clear to us that submitting oneself does not mean you can never put your foot down.

Peter doesn’t explain what he is thinking about when he says that she “obeyed Abraham.”  However, from the story, we know that she followed him into a foreign land.  She trusted that he was hearing from God.  She pretended to be his sister before Pharaoh.  So, we see that she followed Abraham’s lead even when he was being a blockhead.

Peter refers to her calling him, “lord.”  This is probably a reference to Genesis 18:12. This was actually an internal thought that she had when the man eating with her husband said that she would have a child.  Of course, that man was the LORD, and she was very old and couldn’t have children.  “Sarah laughed to herself, saying, “After I have become old, shall I have pleasure, my lord [Abraham] being old also?”

The point is not about the title, but about how Sarah is even internally respecting her husband.  Lord was a term of respect for a man of Abraham’s standing.

Peter declares that wives who follow the example of Jesus will be like Sarah, doing what is good (virtuous).  Such a woman need not be frightened by any fear on this earth (external or internal) because she is living for the Lord Jesus.

Wives can be a light to their husbands, to other women, and a light to the world around them.  In such a light, Jesus can be seen by those who are blind to truth.  May God strengthen all wives as they seek to serve Him.

Witness 4 audio

The Letter to the Colossian Church- 12

Subtitle: A New Home- 1

Colossians 3:18-23.  This sermon was preached by Pastor Marty Bonner on Sunday, October 12, 2025.

Up to this section, Paul has spoken to the Colossian Christians in general terms that would apply to them all.  In this section, Paul moves to the different relationships within the home.  How does a Christian wife, husband, child, parent, etc., live?  What is Christ calling them to do?

The Roman world and the Greek world had picture of what the family should look like.  In general, the husband was the king of the home and his word was law in the home.  Yet, Paul begins to speak to people in these situations about how Christ would have them live.

Of course, not every person hearing Paul’s admonitions would have a home that is fully Christian.  It would be able to complain that our situation is not perfect.  Yes, that is true, but the Perfect One is with you to help you honor God the Father and please him.  God does desire for us to experience His goodness in this life.  However, in those cases where we are experiencing a relationship that falls short, and may even be with someone who is not a believer, the eternal goodness of God can swallow up any evil that is done to us.

Let’s look at our passage.

Jesus is the Lord of our relationships (v. 18-21)

Throughout these verses, Paul continually reminds us that the Lord is not just a part of our relationship with others.  He is also the Lord of how we operate within those relationships.  He is the one that we are trying to please.  This is opposed to trying to please the other person, or only ourselves.  When we please Christ, we become a part of the solution, but when we please ourselves, we are a part of the problem.  I may not be the largest part, but I am a part nonetheless.

All of our relationships need to be surrendered to the Lordship of Jesus, in which we ask him this.  “Lord, how would you have me to be in this relationship?”

The first relationship of the home that Paul deals with is that of wives and husbands.  Before we get into the specific exhortations that Paul gives to them, we should talk about how different churches approach these passages.

There are some who approach these passages with a view called complementarianism.  They are said to be complementarians in regard to the husband and wife relationship and in regard to the roles of men and women beyond the home.  A wife is to complement her husband in the sense of completing him or making him perfect.

Here is an image charting their differences.

Complementarians believe that men and women were created with equal human dignity before God.  However, they were created with a distinct function and role.  Women can use their gifts, but it is not their role to lead the home, lead a church or to lead society.  Thus, God will not call and empower a woman to lead the home, church or society.  Some of them will leave room for situations when men refuse to do their role.

Egalitarians.  These are those who approach passages like this with a view called egalitarianism.  This word comes from the idea of equal.  They believe that men and women were created equal, not just in human dignity, but in all things.  They do recognize that men and women have distinct gifts and roles within this equality.  However, those distinctions do not warrant exclusive male leadership in the home, in the church or in society.  They believe that God can empower any person He chooses, male or female, to fill roles in the home, in the church and in society.

Both believe some similar things, but disagree about whether God intended there to be a hierarchy in the home and the Church that must be led by males.  A way of thinking about this is to use the concept of a team.  Whose team is the home?  Is it the husbands team, i.e., Team Husband, and the wife is simply on the team in order to help Team Dad win?  Or, are they one team before God, i.e., Team Husband and Wife Unity, in which both work together through their unique God-given abilities as one in order for Team Unity to win?

We should recognize that modern feminism has muddied the waters here.  It makes it easy for complementarians to accuse egalitarians of compromising with society, letting culture drive their theology.  Let me just say that some egalitarians are doing just that, which is the wrong reason to be an egalitarian.  Conversely, egalitarians can accuse complementarians of continuing an unjust subjugation of women for the sake of their own ego and power.  Again, let me say that some complementarians are doing just that, which is the wrong reason to be a complementarian.

At the root of this debate, there are God-fearing Christians who sincerely disagree about the purpose of God in the creation of men and women.  When you approach passages with one view of God’s purpose, you will read passages such as this in a particular way.  But, if you adopt a different view of God’s purpose, you will see that the passages may not be saying what you thought they were saying.

There are many women who are complementarians.  Are they trying to subjugate themselves for the sake of the ego and power of men?  I don’t think so.  You can believe they are brain-washed, but many of them are godly women who are seeking to honor God and His Word.

There are also many egalitarians who believe that the Bible is fully inspired of God.  They have arrived at their position, not by ignoring Scripture and portraying it as outdated and uninspired.  Rather, they have arrived at their position with sound Scriptural arguments.

Both sides of this debate need to honor one another by dropping attack lines that become ad hominem when we attempt paint the other group with a broad brush.

We are a Pentecostal church.  Pentecostals are not a liberal movement within the Church at large.  They held to the inspiration of the Scriptures and believed that many of the Protestant denominations had ignored parts of the Bible (the gifts of the Spirit) through a self-serving theology that was not right.  Pentecostals were among those first groups embracing the healing of black and white relationships.  They also saw that the Holy Spirit empowered women to preach, evangelize, and go into missions.  Many a church in America was started by a woman who believed God enough to do something.  Many a mission field in this world was opened by a woman who dared to believe God and stepped out in the power of the Spirit.  Some of them were put in those positions when their husbands were either killed or simply died.  They stepped up in faith and continued the work.

It was in this environment that Pentecostals began to see that perhaps these passages had been used to emphasize hierarchy when they were never intended to teach it.

Let’s be clear about a few things.  God loves women AND men.  He loves wives AND husbands.  He loves kids AND parents.  He loves slaves AND masters.  This does not mean that God condones of everything that we do.  No, He loves us enough to tell us the truth about all the ways we are destroying ourselves and one another.

The Assemblies of God is egalitarian, but it has not made it a core doctrine or even one of the Fourteen Fundamental Truths.  These can be found at AG.org.  I dare say that there are many people in the pulpit and in the pew who are on both sides of this issue.  May God help us to have grace with one another.

In our passage, Paul’s goal is not to subjugate women, kids and slaves.  He is teaching us all how to honor God in our relationships.  He is teaching us to operate out of a desire to accomplish the purpose of God rather than declaring our rights.  So now, let’s get into our passage.

To the wives:  Be subject to your husband as is fitting in the Lord.

There are many reasons why a woman might be chafing in a marriage.  Some of these would be in her husband and the society around her.  However, when she is honest, some of them would also be within herself.  We should recognize here that Paul is giving “homework” to each person for them to do.  It is in our nature to look at the other person’s homework and complain that ours is too hard or not fair.

Paul’s purpose here is not about protecting a patriarch.  Rather, we need to remind ourselves of what he had written just moments before this in chapter 3 verses 9 through 11.  Christians are being renewed into the image of Christ, which is not impacted by our relational differences.  Paul had listed racial difference (Greek or Jew, barbarian, Scythian), religious difference (circumcised or uncircumcised) and class difference (slave or free).  He could have listed the difference of male and female because he actually does this in Galatians 3:28.  Paul is not saying these differences no longer exist, but that they do not change the fact of what it means to become like Jesus.  Anyone in any situation or station of society is able to become like Jesus.  In that sense, it makes no difference what you are.  It does make a difference in what you may need to do and what you may need to sacrifice in order to be renewed into the image of Christ.  Paul is not denying that.

The word that Paul uses for “be subject” is an imperative.  However, it may come across as something that is done to you, i.e., “Let yourself be subjected.”  This is not what Paul is saying.  The word is not passive.  It is something that she is doing to herself, and it has the idea of taking a place under another.  It does not have a connotation of worth and importance.  The general of the military would be subject, “take their place under,” the king, or Caesar.  It is ultimately about taking a place to serve.  In this case, it is to serve their husband.  He does not say that husbands are kings and should rule thus over their wives.  He simply tells wives that they should give themselves to serving their husbands.

He then adds the phrase “as is fitting in the Lord.”  The idea of it being fitting is that this activity measures up to the bar that has been set by our Lord.  The Lord Jesus subjected himself to becoming a servant in order to serve humanity.  He even subjected himself to death on a cross.  He did so out of love for us, not out of hierarch.  We were not greater than him.  We didn’t even deserve him at all, much less in that capacity.  Yet, Jesus did so out of love.  He did not hold on to what his rights were and, instead, served the purposes of God the Father.  If this is the One we say we are following, if this is the one who is our master teacher and who we are becoming like, then it is fitting for to look for ways in which we can pick up a towel and serve others in our life.

Because Jesus took the lowest place and served us, God is even now subjecting all things to him (1 Corinthians 15:27).  Do we trust the same Father that Jesus trusted to lift us up at the proper time?

When people read hierarchy into this passage, it is coming from this word “be subject,” precisely because it has the sense of under in it.  Yet, I believe that I have shown above that it is not about hierarchy.  You must always lower yourself in order to serve another, and this is what he is asking wives to do.  Serve your husband for God’s purposes (not his).

Of course, Paul does not describe what this should look like.  There is a cultural issue here that can affect what a wife who loves Christ will do to serve her husband (be he Christian or not).  Our society is very different.  The ways in which a wife is to choose to serve her husband will be impacted by it.  Yet, ultimately, the wife is not called to serve the purposes of society or herself, but of God.  The only hierarchy that is actually here is that of Christ over the life of all Christians (wives or husbands).

One last thing about this.  Ephesians 5:15-33 is a passage in which verse 22 is parallel to this verse.  We should notice that the verse 21 actually commands each Christian to subject themselves to one another.  Again, not out of hierarchy, but out of love.  Interestingly enough, the verse about wives and husbands is actually “borrowing” this verb from the prior sentence.  It literally says, “and wives to your own husbands as to the Lord.”  We would say it is missing the verb, but this is a common technique in Greek.  The prior verb from verse 21 is implied in the statement.  “[A]nd wives [subject yourselves] to your own husband as to the Lord.”  Again, it is the Lord who is the hierarchy here.  We are all to be subjecting ourselves to one another.  And, in this context, wives are told to subject themselves to their husband for the purposes of Christ.

The modern world may accuse the Bible of hating women and subjecting them, but this is what men have done who either don’t understand what Paul is saying or are using him for their own purposes wickedly.  All through the New Testament Paul is teaching Christians to follow the example of Jesus and even his own example.  That is the example of laying down your rights in order to serve the purposes of Christ, God the Father, in the life of another person.

This brings us to Paul’s instructions to husbands.

To the Husbands  love your wives and do not be embittered against them

Paul could have turned around and told husbands to submit themselves in service to their wife, but instead, he uses the term “love.”  “Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.”  In the Ephesians 5 passage, he adds “just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word…”  The sacrificial love of Christ did not demand that his position in heaven be honored.  Instead, he laid his body and life down for the good of the Church.  Husbands should sacrificially love their wives for her good and in obedience to God with humility.  Clearly, this would cancel out acting like Caesar over your wife.  If the husband is a king, then the wife is a queen.  However, she should not be a queen in the way pictured in the book of Esther.  Rather, she should be a queen who sits at his side, a team, ruling the home.

Notice that Paul adds the idea of not becoming bitter towards her.  What sorts of things make a man bitter against his wife?  Whatever offenses a husband may have experienced from his wife, he must still love her by forgiving her and not letting his heart be hardened toward her.  Hebrews 12:5 warns that a root of bitterness can spring up and cause trouble and defile many (i.e., both of you, the kids, and beyond). 

How can a husband not love a woman who is submitting herself to serving him?  Also, how can a wife not serve a man who is sacrificially laying his life down in order to love her?  Even when we agree with the wisdom to this, we may withhold with the excuse that the other person is not doing their job.  However, we do these things to please the Lord, not to get a specific action out of our spouse.

Paul does not flesh out what it would look like for a husband to sacrificially love his wife.  Does the husband simply let the woman run the show and never have strong opinions about things?  Should the woman submit in everything without question and without opinion of her own?  Is the husband always right?  Or does the husband die to his own opinion and let the wife always be right?  As you walk through those questions, you may see that there is a mutual submission beneath to these commands for wives and husbands.

To the Children  be obedient to your parents in all things

As we come to verse 20, this should go a bit quicker.  Children are called to obey their parents in all things.  God has given their parents charge over them.  The parents are not perfect, and God knows this.  Yet, no kid is perfect either.  They all need good correction, nurture, and supervision.

Children are called to submit to the will of God in their life and obey.  Of course, we can come up with all kinds of questions.  “What if your parents tell you to worship Baal?  Do you have to obey then?”  I believe that this is pushing the passage further than Paul intends it. 

We can also recognize that this is a command to a child within a home, and not a command to adult children that they obey their parents.  No, they will leave their parents and cleave to their spouse.  Yes, they are commanded to still honor their parents, but that is not the same as saying you should continue to act like a child in their home.  The relationship is moving to a new phase.

In all of this, we can see that kids have to deal with a rebellion problem that is in their hearts.

To the Fathers  do not exasperate your children

This command is given to fathers, but that does not mean mothers are unimportant.  Children are told to obey their “parents” plural. Yet, in these societies (specifically the Roman family), the father ran the home and would be the disciplinarian.  Thus, Paul addresses them.  Yet, the instructions would apply to mothers as well.

“Do not exasperate your children so that they will not lose heart.”  To exasperate a child is the idea of stirring them up or provoking them.  This can lead to them losing heart, being broken-hearted, or even dispirited with a broken spirit.  Parents are responsible for the raising of their children, but this does not mean that God wants you to break them like a wild horse.  Children are not animals to be trained.  They are made in the image of God, and their training and instruction should reflect that.

It is a sad thing to see kids who have been traumatized by parents who have abused their duties.  This is not what God wants.

Yet, stern discipline in and of itself is not trauma, if it is done rightly and for the right purposes.  If it is done in anger, then it is wrong.  If you are angry during discipline, then stop and take hold of your anger.  Bring it into subjection to the love of Christ.  Then, discipline them out of love and with the right spirit.  We need wisdom in this area.

Of course, both parents and kids fail.  We can repent of our failures and forgive one another.  A lot of parents who really messed up their kids have later come to Christ.  This is sometimes because of their kids, but sometimes not.  Of course, imagine the shame of a person as they realize that their sinfulness harmed their child and it continues into that child’s adulthood.  It is good and right for such a parent to apologize and ask the forgiveness of their adult child.  However, you should then give them space to work through it.  Pray for them.  Do not pressure them but love them regardless of their choices.

You may have a beautiful restoration of relationship, and then again, you may not.  The point is to take ownership of your own sin and love your adult children (or your parents if forgiveness is needed the other way. 

Parents, discipline your kids, but don’t break them.  They are the one that God the Father loves.  He asks you to train them for their future life.  Yet, he does not want you to cause them to stumble.  We will all give account to the Lord Jesus one day and should live with a healthy respect for that truth.

A New Home 1 audio