Since the sexual revolution of the 1960’s, we have seen an all out attack on the biblical concepts of marriage and family. This attack has happened on many fronts. “Free Love” challenged the biblical concept of sex within a marital covenant. The explosion and rapid acceptance of pornography undermined the biblical concept of beauty and increased marital dissatisfaction. “No-fault Divorce” made it easier to walk away from marriages. Abortion, contraceptives and the feminist movement made “having a family” an old fashioned idea that only non-progressives would embrace. Today between the collapse of the old social norms and the rise of the internet, families are often a battlefield of pain and sorrow.
Today we are going to see that the same God who created marriage and family can help us fix it, or keep it from breaking in the first place. In Malachi 2:13-16 God confronts the men of Israel for divorcing their first wives. Apparently they did so in a desire to get a better, new and improved wife.
In verse 13 God describes the effects of these men’s actions. They had covered his altar with weeping and tears. Have you ever asked yourself, “How much pain have I caused in my marriage and family?” It is easy for us to see the things that others do, but what about me? God is very aware of our tears and the things that led to them.
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm56:8 (NLT)
No matter what the other person has done, God challenges us not to pay back wrong for wrong. In our society today women have far more options and power then in Malachi’s days. Many a man has wept over a woman who cast him aside as well as women like our passage describes. It often starts with not forgiving one another and instead paying them back. This is a recipe for disaster. If we will stop and recognize that I have caused pain and God is not pleased with me then we might have a chance of ending the pain in our homes.
In verse 14 God calls their actions treachery. Some antonyms for treachery are: forthright, honest, loyal, and true (thesaurus.com). Marriage and family are built upon Loyalty and honesty. It is a covenant or contract between a man and a woman, and before society and God. Even if society will not call you on your disloyalty and dishonesty, God will. When we are loyal to each other we do not find excuses to get out of an unpleasant situation. Instead we keep trying to find a way to fix things. Honesty requires us to open up and be transparent about what we think and feel. These are difficult things to do. Have you ever been honest and two seconds later wished you had just kept your mouth shut? Being honest can make the other person made or hurt. There is room for not saying everything that goes through your mind. But if we don’t let each other know the things that hurt us then we are not being loyal to the marriage God has given us.
We must always remember that our own sin brought about the need for the cross. Jesus died for those things that my marriage and family will cause to rise to the surface, like a refining process. If we haven’t figured it out yet the truth is this: Sin ruins everything. No matter what perfect system you devise, if people are going to be running it, then sin will ruin it. Until we face the fact we have a sin problem, our marriages and homes cannot heal. The cross shouts from the highest hill that every man, woman, boy and girl has the same problem, sin.
Since God designed marriage and the family, we need to look to him to understand how it should work and where we make our mistakes. Instead of saying, “I can’t make it work,” we need to go back to the master and seek help in “mastering” marriage ourselves. In verse 15 God gives 3 purposes he has for marriage. If you have never even thought about what God wants out of your marriage then you need to today. When we only approach marriage for what we desire then it ruins the whole thing.
First, God desires union. God made man and woman to be “one.” This is not just physically, but also includes emotionally and spiritually. Oneness is a lifelong project. Oneness requires us to compromise with the other person and drop selfish desires. Through marriage God is inviting us to join him in the greatest oneness of all, himself. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit have enjoyed the miracle of oneness from the beginning. It is our fear of what oneness requires us to drop that causes us to run from marriage.
The second thing God desires is godly offspring. Now, there are those who are unable to have children and this is not intended as a point of guilt. This is a general principle that will apply to most. Today having children is swiftly becoming the procreative equivalent of a nuclear bomb. There are many who would love to have kids sterilized at birth and see that as a moral good. But God desires for a godly offspring to carry on when we depart this earth. This requires godly parents rather than selfish ones. Obedience must be first exampled and then it can be taught.
The third purpose for marriage is seen in the word “violence” (vs. 16). God considered their actions a violent thing. When we compare this to Ephesians 5 we see that God expects to find love between a man and a woman. But when we cause each other to suffer we cover ourselves in violence. Have you ever seen a truck that has been 4-wheeling and mud is all over it? This is the picture God has of us. We might come into church or society looking all clean and wonderful, but we have dealt violently with one another. Spiritually we are covered with violence like that truck. God sees it and it repels him. He will deal with us if we do not deal with it ourselves.
Unless Jesus is the leader of our home we will be forever locked in a Tug O’ War of who gets what they want. Eventually one or both will quit the “game.” But like a pyramid, if we focus on Jesus, we can start far apart but be brought close together as we move towards his heart.
Divorce always happens when one or both have chosen self over the life that could be. They rejected the cross that they would have to bear in order to love the other person and instead chose self. There is no deeper wound than to die to yourself and still be rejected by your spouse. It is an incredible violence that we never really talk about. It is a violence of the soul and leaves people broken and forever bleeding in its wake.
What kind of spirit do I have in my marriage and home? The selfish spirit leads to pain, sorrow, and destruction. The selfless spirit of Christ leads to life.
What desires of my flesh do I need to crucify in order for my home to have life? It is never too late if just one will surrender to Jesus. Do it today.