Peter has been speaking to believers in general and in specific subsets about the virtue of submission. All believers need to demonstrate submission in their life to the proper authorities within the biblical boundaries that we have mentioned in the past. All “horror” stories of submission can be traced back to sinful authority, and a lack of understanding of the biblical boundaries of that authority and the purpose of that authority. So those who immediately break out in hives at the mention of submission need to reconcile the fact that no society can function without a proper understanding and functioning of authority and submission. There really is a healthy and proper way in which this virtue can be lived out and it starts by recognizing that those in authority are under the authority of God and His Word.
Peter clearly speaks to husbands in order to balance the previous word to wives concerning submission. Though he doesn’t explicitly state it, he expects husbands to “submit” to the instruction that he gives to them on behalf of the Lord Jesus. He doesn’t treat the husband’s duties as fully as Paul does in Ephesians 5 because marriage and its duties is not his main point.
For God to speak a word to husbands and wives that will enable them in every possible cultural condition to properly reflect the very nature of God is challenging indeed. Thus we need to be careful that we do not reject God’s Word simply because it doesn’t reflect 21st century American thoughts. Would American thoughts work in Iran or Saudi Arabia? More than likely they would bring women further suffering or even death, and lead no one to give the gospel of Jesus a second thought. So let’s look at the Word of the Lord to husbands in 1 Peter 3:7.
Peter begins by giving husbands the duty of living with their wives in understanding. His first word is “likewise.” In the same way that wives were given instruction that they needed to humbly receive, so husbands need to receive this instruction. They need to have that same godly, respectful fear of God concerning these words.
It is easy to focus on the duties of those next to you more than you focus on your own. This is a common problem in marriages. It is easy to make performance by your spouse a prerequisite to your own duties. However, you do this at the peril of displeasing the Lord who has given you this duty. We are called to do our duties to the fullest without requiring the spouse to perform first. Neither can we think that the lack of perfection on our spouse’s part excuses us from our duties. Both are directly answerable to God. Now Paul adds to this duty, to live in understanding, the duty to love your wife in the same way Jesus loved the Church. So my words and actions need to reflect Jesus and his willingness to die to his own flesh considerations in order to help the Church live in a way pleasing to God.
The words “dwell with them” are the idea of doing life together. This is more than sharing the same address. Your wife is not a part of your “stuff.” You are doing life with her. You have left the single life behind and become a new “one” or union with her before God. This takes a working together as a team in order to please God and bring honor to Him.
Now to live together in understanding is not referring to your own understanding. Every husband has his own understanding of his marriage and wife. But we are to have the mind of Christ concerning our marriage and our wife. This requires a mental discipline of rejecting the selfish understanding that we come up with on our own and embracing the understanding of God’s Word. That understanding starts with the purpose of marriage. The two genders and propagation of humanity all flow from the husband-wife relationship. However, God’s purpose was more than propagation. In Ephesians 5 Paul makes clear that the main purpose behind God’s design of two genders coming together in a relationship to make the next generation, is to be a picture of the relationship between Jesus and his Church. So a husband needs to understand that his actions to his wife need to be a picture of Jesus. Your marriage is supposed to be a witnessing tool. What is it witnessing? Is it sending the wrong message?
Another part of dwelling in understanding is realizing the heavy weight this relationship will have on your ability to please God. In most cases you spend more, intimate time with your spouse than anyone else. That means your rewards from God or lack thereof are going to be more heavily impacted by your dealings with your wife.
You also need to have an understanding of her individuality. Is the relationship safe enough for her to share her inner-most secrets and the things of her past that affect her present? It is your duty to create such an atmosphere that you can more perfectly minister God’s love to her. Jesus knew exactly the very heart of believers and what they needed in order to be set back to “rightness.” It required his death and he embraced that duty like a warrior. Ignorance will not be an acceptable defense before God. You are expected to draw her out by the love of Jesus.
You should also be aware of the abuse of women in general. It is clear that historically men have taken advantage of cultural norms and Scripture to abuse their authority. God was not hardened towards our situation. Rather, he empathized with our weakness and put his great power aside that he might come alongside of us. Why do we run from such things in fear?
The next command Peter gives is for husbands to honor their wife. Without control our words and actions will often be dishonoring. A husband’s duty to honor his wife will take focus and work. Honor at its foundation is about value. It is the opposite of demeaning. Do my actions and words make clear that my wife is valuable? She is not just valuable because she is my wife. She is a child of God who is quite capable of holding us accountable for how we treat her. You will stand before God one day and give account for how you treated her. Are you ready? Anything you think you might want to change?
It is interesting that in the same society that talks about the equality of women we see some of the most degrading things imaginable all the time in our entertainment, music, movies etc… And these are things that women willingly choose in degrading themselves. Marriage is not a merely sexual relationship. A woman’s value is not based upon her “sexiness.” If it did we would be worthless when our beauty fades. This woman is valuable and your relationship with her is of incredible value. A divine purpose is at the very foundation of your relationship with her. As marriages have increasingly failed, so the reputation of God has been tarnished increasingly.
Now Peter uses a phrase that some may think of as degrading. He refers to a wife as the “weaker vessel.” First of all, it is a fact that women in general are not as physically strong as men. In that sense only are they the “weaker sex.” However, Peter is taking this concept of the weaker sex and pulling it into a metaphor. The Greeks did use “vessel” as a way to refer to the body. However, in Romans 9, Paul’s use of vessel is clearly connecting the body to the analogy of household items such as cups or dishes, etc… Notice too that Paul was pointing out the issue of honor and dishonor in that passage. I believe that Peter is pointing husbands to recognize that any perceived and real “weaknesses” on their wife’s part should be honored in the same way that we see in our household items. Notice that the really expensive household “vessels” are made of more fragile material, and the common everyday “vessels” are made of far more durable material. We honor the “weaker” vessel because there is something special about it that is beyond its physical strength. Thus a husband, who would be tempted to only honor a wife who is “strong” like him, needs to listen to God’s instruction. He needs to honor her especially because of her difference from himself. She was made by God to be a complement to him. A complement by definition must not be the same as that which it complements. The wife has strength in ways that a husband does not. It takes understanding to see that and honor it.
Peter reminds husbands that their wives are co-heirs with them in Christ. Jesus died for her just as much as for you. She stands to receive eternal reward before Christ for her activity while on earth. She will not be “your wife” in the after-life. She will stand equally before God. So you can work together with her for the eternal good of you both, or, you can fight each other to your eternal detriment.
Lastly, Peter reminds husbands that there are spiritual consequences to rejecting or ignoring the Lord’s instructions here. It sounds tough that our prayers could be “hindered” as a result of mistreatment of our wife. However, the word behind the translation “hindered” is far stronger than that. It is used by our lord when he says, “Every tree that does not bear fruit will be cut down (“hindered?”) and thrown into the fire. I have this picture in my mind of a jerk husband who prays for something and when it is brought before the Lord he says, “Throw that prayer in file 13.” Of course file 13 is a huge burning barrel. God will not receive your prayers if you are falling down in your duty. We are not talking about perfection here. However, the Lord knows those who are working to understand their wives and honor them. The Lord knows those who seriously are working to properly reflect Jesus and his Church in their marriage.
Let me just remind us of what I said last week. Satan has wedged himself between men and women since the very beginning. However, a Christian marriage can be a beautiful thing for both husband and wife if they both love each other in heart and action. Instead of being driven by the desires of your flesh-self, choose to be led by the Holy Spirit’s desire to properly reflect the Lord Jesus and his Gospel through your marriage. So get to work husbands. It truly is a challenging proposition.